I told my therapist to “mind ya business” today so… doing well.

The craziest thing I’ve learned from the Depp vs. Heard case is that there was a Pirates of the Caribbean 7.

More fun from Carolines on Broadway ... with Rachel Williams P

Shoutout to all the moms who sacrificed their careers, dreams, and health just so your kid could post one grainy photo photo of you today.

Shoutout to all the moms who thought they would be taken care of by now, meanwhile your 30 year old son is still on your phone plan 😭😭😭.

Shoutout to all the real moms who stopped themselves from hurting a dog owner calling themselves a mom today. (Me)

Nobody posts more than a white girl on vacation.

Happy Father’s Day to all the dads who forgot it was Father’s Day.

Happy Father’s Day to all the dads who just wanted to golf but instead are being forced to eat overpriced eggs Benedict.

Happy Father’s Day to my dad who once offered to let me use his OLD electric razor to shave my mustache.

Happy Father’s Day to all the dads who paid $250k for college tuition only for their kid to say “it’s not for me.”

I am the main character when I am running late and my Uber driver is speeding.

Ohhhh it’s cause no one ever wanted to have a baby with THEM. #imdry

I’ve never gotten a haircut and not thought for the first week, “omg I have a mullet.”

I don’t have enough time for anything but I’ll spend 20 minutes looking for the perfect emoji.

I always judged moms who kissed their sons on the lips, then I started making out with my dog and let me tell you…

Why do the people who give covid tests all look like they currently have covid?

Imagine if crying burned calories? Us sad people would be FITTTT!!!

Does Advil sabotage intermittent fasting?

“Who is having a conversation right now???” - me on the subway.