I want to support the bravery and dedication it takes to get on a train and sing for an unwilling audience- but if I wanted a dude to sing “Losing My Religion” at my face on his ukulele, I’d find my way back to a house party in 1993 and drink Zima til I black out.

My anaconda don’t want none because it’s been done, hun #seriouslystopwiththefuckingreboots google.com/amp/s/variety.…

Storage units are used for two things: emotional baggage and murder. Happy to say, after 2 years I’ve finally cleansed mine of all evidence...or “memories” as the emotionally woke kids like to say.

Do you think anyone ever called Edgar Allen Poe “Po’ Boy”? - Morning thoughts in Vegas—things are well, sweet ravens.

The closest I’ve ever come to using a bidet is accidentally triggering an automatic toilet before the job was done.

This quarantine has reawakened my love of The Sims. I may not be able to go out, meet people, or get some dick, but my little Sim creation can. And she will.

Quarantine is finally going to answer the question “can my roommate hear my vibrator through our shared wall?”

For real, though

I don’t think we talk enough about the fact that at the end of “Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini” the girl would rather DIE IN THE OCEAN than have people see her beach bod. And when I say “we”, I mean you, because I talk about it all the time.

I feel fine about everything

I allowed my google calendar to continue to remind me of a trip I’m not on, which in turn, reminds me of the sex I’m not having. The feeling in my gut everytime an alert pops up makes me feel alive. Deeply depressed and unbelievably horny...But alive.

I’m glad we’re wearing masks. People can’t see that I’m smiling at them, so they don’t spark a conversation . I feel so free.

If you’re more scandalized by seeing people loot a Target than seeing cops kill a man in broad daylight it’s time to start investigating why that is

#BreonnaTaylor. Don’t forget her. Shot EIGHT times while she was asleep in her bed on March 13 when the police broke into the wrong home. It’s now JUNE, and the officers involved STILL haven’t been fired or charged. We demand #JusticeforBre. #SayHerName

Breonna Taylor's killers are still walking free. Breonna Taylor's killers are still walking free. Breonna Taylor's killers are still walking free. Breonna Taylor's killers are still walking free. Breonna Taylor's killers are still walking free.

My knockoff AirPods frequently cut out and I think they’re lightly shocking me...but I keep using them. This pattern of behavior also explains a lot of my adult relationships. My therapist would call this a breakthrough. I call it a reason to drink too early on a Monday.

I’m ending my night sticky and disappointed...this is the most normal I’ve felt since March.

I’m gonna need someone more talented than I to cover “Jolene” as “Vaccine” stat. Dolly Parton is a treasure. google.com/amp/s/amp.cnn.…

Got carded at the grocery store by a young man who, after looking at my birthdate said “I thought you looked young....but....” —— so turns out keeping my youth with a center part only works til the kids do the math....

Moments in bathrooms take up more of my core memories than I’m comfortable with.