Someone at CVS said, “Let’s make prescription reminders aggressive” and created a push notification program that gives off the same energy as a toxic ex. One time I didn’t pick up my fluoxetine and they texted me, “Wow. So you’re really just gonna ignore us, huh? That’s crazy.”

What’s everyone’s favorite Fourth of July tradition? Mine is when my mom sends her biannual PSA in the family group chat to remind us that today and Thanksgiving are the two holidays where people are most likely to lose a finger.

Can we talk about the fact that there are not one but TWO men in New York City who hide under rugs in high-traffic pedestrian areas because their kink is being stepped on by strangers? Oh, and they apparently hate each other. Talk about a turf war. Badum tsh. (Sorry.)

Normalize asking for a redo when someone high-fives you and your palms don’t line up or the clap isn’t satisfying. We’re not leaving until we get this right. This has turned into a hostage situation.

Thinking about the time I cried after Clay Aiken came out as gay because I had such a crush on him and was convinced we’d get married, and in answer to your follow-up question: not as young as you’d want me to be in this story.

I think my driving instructor missed the part in our first lesson where I told him I’m anxious, because he keeps talking about how he was a sniper in the Turkmenistan war and reminding me that the car I’m driving is “deadlier than any weapon he’s ever held.”

Microdosing hell by accidentally triggering the “Please wait. Help is on the way” prompt at the self-checkout in the grocery store because I didn’t move my bananas to the bagging area fast enough.

Person I’ve just met: (opening their arms and advancing toward me) Sorry, I’m a hugger! Me: Okay, well, I’m a fear biter, so..

At what age are you supposed to learn the phonetic alphabet? Because I just had to spell out my last name to someone, and I straight-up went, “Y as in ‘You.’”

Me: Why doesn’t Reese’s put out any specialty shaped candy between May and September? Let’s at least get a peanut butter cup that’s shaped like a beach ball. Jesus. Interviewer: …Okay, so, I meant any questions about the job position.

I was taking the RAADS-R test and it took me twice as long as it probably should because I kept getting stuck on the “true only when I was younger than 16” option. I was taking it way too literally. Was that part of the test?

“Bon appétit, you little crack addicts,” I say, narrowly losing a finger as I present my five cats with a tube of Churu.

I just learned that “rolling your eyes” means your eyes move ↕️, not 🔄 — because I took it literally.

I just found out that if you ever get into a car accident, you should never say, “I’m sorry” because it can be taken as an admission of guilt. And as someone who impulsively apologizes for everything, fuckity fuck.

When I said, “I hope you meet someone,” I was thinking maybe a therapist who’s accepting new clients.

One of the most underrated cinematic moments in television history has to be the scene in 1000 lb Sisters where Tammy squirts whipped cream into a bowl for 28 seconds.

I’m glad my sister finally gave our parents a grandchild. To celebrate, I adopted a sixth cat.

It’s Friday night and I’m arguing with ChatGPT about grammar. I just offered a rebuttal to a question about subject-verb agreement, and it said, “Oh, look at you getting delightfully granular!” How do you beat up AI?

As a social media manager for a university, is it okay if I slide into the DMs of other colleges/departments who are blatantly ignoring my collaboration invite on Instagram with a vague but threatening: “Accept it now or else.” Let me know, thanks.

“Buy Nothing” Facebook groups are so funny. I just saw a post where someone is giving away a number 4 candle, and the caption says, “Slightly used. Lit for the length of a single rendition of ‘Happy Birthday.’”