Dennis Quaid ruined my summer and quite frankly my whole year at this point…

This is my dream job

[Frowning at the newspaper] Says here they paved paradise. What’s this world come to? [Turning the page and smiling] Honey, we’re getting a new parking lot!

For sale: ship of theseus Condition: used, like new

I like the cut of your jib bro

Drinking mojito feel like a brachiosaurus 🦕

Talking to a friend who works more than me: buddy, it’s called life. It’s called joy, time with family. Nature. Talking to a friend who works less than me: at a certain point in every man’s life he needs to step up bro

the college players are worse at basketball so the basketball is better to watch

y’all are worried about the wrong stocks

I’ll usually just rip a 20 min tooth brush sesh on Sunday so I’m set for the week #FBigDental

another day another head wound you know what it is player [goes to dap you up but loses interest halfway through]

The name’s bond, names bond

Honey I smoked the mids

Ever since I left the city you

when i see a gift horse..... if i can be so honest, first thing im looking at? baby its that mouth.

being must be the best feeling ever. like hell yeah i’m

Work smarter not dumber

I love it when people wake up and remember that they have free will