when someone offers me a scrumptious morsel, you know i’m on my “don’t mind if i do” type shit

I'm so nervous about sex, I have two safe words

The Last of Us. Holy shit.

Me booting up the 3rd episode of Last of Us

If you change just two little letters, cookie dough becomes dookie cough :)

DONT YOU FUCKING TALK ABOUT MY FUTURE MOTHER IN LAW LIKE THAT SHES A NICE LADY AND BRING BACK TASTY BATTERIES AAAAHFUAHAYGWJDIAHSBD

Me and John Wick are a lot a like- at the end of a 12 hr work shift, we're both bloody, sweaty, haven't said more than 2 words in the last hour, and keep our work shirts impeccably tucked in.

Why is skip intro even an option? I wanna hear that shit every time.

Pop tarts = real word lembas bread

Inside each of us is four wolves

This is my best bud's best bud. His Everything Bagel. If you got it, kick some cash to Bagel so he can keep living his best days as the best boy?

Jimmy Fallon?

The first guy to experience 4th of July must have been freaking out

Help my fiancé just referred to a fly as Big Papa

Not my ass becoming death, destroyer of worlds