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[I emerge from my chrysalis] the fuck

The beauty of the internet is that regardless of who's in perceived charge, it always feels like opening the bedroom door in Poltergeist and seeing shit fly around the room.

If I win the lottery I'm buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.

Too much fresh air and I start saying things like “wow” and “the cosmos.”

I hear a mournful noir sax whenever I use cash.

*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s* little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america

In my experience, it's better to make other people suffer for your art.

Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand -

I hope this email finds you on the couch ordering books you don’t need while you watch bake off

The enemy of my enemy is my friend Nick.

but that was my emotional support daylight

Overthinkers (im holding your hand when I say this) you’re not thinking enough

The doorbell rang and no one was there, but now there’s a fly in the house so did the…did the fly ring the bell

Dogs sunbathing is one of the best genres

Using my enemies driveway to turn around

And now we return to our regularly scheduled i don't wanna

“Did you read the fine print?” Me: I didn’t even read the large print

(up from the bottom of a well) find me on any social media platform using the same name

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, "I'm GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!"