In some ways living in your camper on the Walmart parking lot is good, other than the fact you're living in a camper on a Walmart parking lot.

Just rolled a joint. It was my ankle.

anyone wanna run me over? i got gas money

Believe me I've not mattered to better people than you

I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse

This prescription says take on an empty stomach. Guess I won't be taking any of these pills.

My mama told me there'll be tweets like this

IF THE UNITED STATES SAW WHAT THE UNITED STATES IS DOING IN THE UNITED STATES, UNITED STATES WOULD INVADE THE UNITED STATES TO LIBERATE THE UNITED STATES FROM THE TYRANNY OF THE UNITED STATES

I'm at my sexiest when I'm not around.

I don’t need a personal trainer, I need someone to follow me around and slap snacks out of my hand.

The doctor said I should drink more whiskey. Actually, she said I should drink less beer, but I know what she meant.

Witchcraft is when the wind blows a beautiful girl's skirt, and the same wind blows dust in your eyes, and you end up seeing nothing.

I’m thinking of learning French for career reasons. I want to know how to say “I hate my job” in another language.

Of course I know what day it is...let me look at my pillbox.

I bet the guy that named the Sperm Whale wasn’t allowed to name things after that

Don't ever underestimate the power of underestimating.

I just wish one of my cats would stop teaching the other cats that it’s okay to eat bathroom garbage bags.

every pet owner has a foundational nickname from which 58 other names ripple outwards. the sourdough starter name

Q: Why do Republican men cry during sex? A: The pepper spray.

If you have ADHD, finishing tasks is difficult. If you have ADHD and adorable cats, finishing tasks is