I’m going to start copying tweets that have typos in them then fixing the typo and posting it as my own while the author is busy deleting and tweeting again with the correct spelling. Timestamps don’t lie. This is my new career.

Mary, aka Captain Obvious, can narrate my life any day. #BachelorInParadiseAU

Sometimes when watching a movie where someone is stabbed a more than necessary amount of times, I think.. it's done.. but then I see a cockroach... *Bang bang bang bang bang bang bang* *see it's clearly dead* *bang*

My smallest human moving in shoes equals dressage horse or dog with socks on. Delightful AF.

When your mate is just better than you.

My neighbours are having sex again. You go girl!

She just apologised But it's ok he said "don't apologise" I'm assuming she came. Stop apologising for coming ladies!!!

Me: *successfully opens a jar of olives first go* Universe: *doddle-ding* Me: *levelled up in singledom* Me: *eats olives straight out of jar* Universe: *double points* Me: Yessss!

Nothing annoys me more than putting on a load of washing and then realising the cycle is 3 hours longer than you meant it to be... Fuck.

Since when did Nissan (Niss-EN) become Nissan (Niss-AAN)? Am I not fancy?

I have a drink bottle that is roughly the size of my youngest child’s upper body.. watching her successfully drink out of it is something I can only describe as art.

I’m not sure what is worse.. when someone doesn’t even attempt to suggest they might walk on the grass so you can walk on the path, or if both of us walk on the grass and the path is unwalked on..

Melbourne as a city is a bottom, Sydney as a city is a top

Dating girls is so annoying I sent a pic of me in lingerie to a girl I’m texting and she’s like “omg I’ve been looking for that set for ages where did u find it?” I-

My smallest human has recently discovered the ‘magical healing powers’ of bandaids.. the ones I bought have pandas on them.. she calls them ‘pandaids’.. I know it’s child-speak, but I dare you not to be delighted! 🐼 🩹 💕

Handshakes are disgusting. I would literally rather have sex with you

My child is 2+ and I still fucking wake up and check on her.. children are like soufflés… amazing but they mess with you!