🔥The 9th Round of Easy Loan, Earn $40 Reward is in progress❗️ ⏰ Promotion Period: January 15th - Feburary 15th, 2025 👉 Register now and check more details at gate.io/campaigns/358

All I have to say about JT is us JC Chasez stans are feeling mightyyy vindicated rn.

A lineup hotter than Death Valley! ❤️‍🔥 See y’all tonight (in the AC ❄️) 🎟️: ticketweb.com/event/mermaid-…

this is capitalist america, send both

I don’t want Trump or Biden, I just want a president that can drive at night.

this is going to ruin the tour

I love dating someone from another country because you can start singing Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego? and they look at you like you’re having a mental breakdown.

Can we interest you in top-notch standup comedy in a swanky, velvet bar? This Friday at Bar Lubitsch Doors 8 Show 8:30 Valerie Tosi @JeffHorste @PaigeWeldon @ryangoodcase Jorge Lopez @PeetGuercio Brendan Fitzgibbons Comedy Bureau Get tickets: jetbook.co/e/jetpack-come…

Today is my 10-year standup anniversary, and my boyfriend goes, “Wow, ten years of being broke, huh?” I’d be offended if it wasn’t coming from an ACTOR.

Politely and respectfully, I do not have time for an earthquake today, LA. Cut the shit.

What is a 401k? Valerie Tosi See Valerie tonight at 7:30 in The Lab Mermaid Comedy Hour at The Hollywood Improv 9/9 with #kariassad #robbyhoffman Reem Edan Julia Stone +more! Only 5 tickets left at improv.com/hollywood #hollywoodimprov #comedy #401k

He’s too good for this platform now, but catch me and Dana Gould at the Irvine Improv tonight at 7:30pm! ticketweb.com/event/dana-gou…

I was going to use a menu page from Outback Steakhouse but somehow this seemed less insulting? Melbourne, I cannot wait to see you this week! Bring on the wombats, wallabies, and whatever other hellish creatures unique to Australia that’ll probably try and poison me. 🇦🇺

One of our best lineups of the year! Past Conan guests, rare spots from interstate favourites, TV stars and more! trybooking.com/BMYIM

The bartender at the show I’m on in Melbourne just went OUTSIDE to use the drink shaker so he didn’t disrupt the show. Absolute legend.

Finally having to use the Uber lot at LAX, the travel gods must be repaid their debts.

BF: “You know what you’re gonna get with a Kevin James movie. Dumb jokes, have a few laughs, watch him fall down…” Me: “Fall down?” BF: “Oh yeah. He falls down, like, A LOT.” Me: “That can’t be tr—OMG.” youtu.be/27waNGJVvfI?fe…

AC busted? No power? We got you LA. See you tonight! ✨

Ok Taylor Swift, now tell the NFL they need to endorse Harris so we can watch the funniest meltdown of all time.

The only thing that hallucinates answers worse than ChatGPT is JD Vance.

Bay Area pals, whatcha up to this Tuesday? Want to come hang out w me in a theater that’s totally haunted in a *cool* way? I’m headlining the infamous Throckmorton Theatre and I’d love to see your face! throckmortontheatre.org/events/tuesday…