if i say hello to your dog and they smile at me i now legally own that dog, i’m sorry i don’t make the rules, that is just the law

After I park my car, it takes me about 38 minutes to collect all my shit and actually get out.

Just got off the phone with my grandpa. Literally the second he said “goodbye” I hear my grandma in the background go “so, what do you want for lunch?” Classic.

LOL -- Just sat down next to the worlds most awkward Tinder Date… gonna live tweet the shit out of it! Okay, she’s saying “Why are you tweeting everything I’m saying, creep.” OMG.

If your last name is Cohen, but you constantly feel compelled to tell people you’re not related to Michael Cohen #UrProbablyJewish

Just saw an ad for Uber's "flexible cancellations" service. Now how do I get that service to apply to most of my weekend plans...

#onebitesorrentos #OneBiteContest

🙌🏻🙌🏻

Give Bagel Boss🥯 a follow and retweet the post below to be entered to win! Tag some friends and spread the love! PS They ship nationwide @ Bagelofthemonth.com

If you’ve celebrated Mother’s Day at a country club #urprobsjewish

If you have a friend who looks like Ben Platt #Urprobsjewish

“No way... my grandma definitely makes better matzo ball soup than yours” x.com/emilyonhere/st…

If your mom reminded you to wear sunscreen this weekend #urprobsjewish #MDW2021

If you’ve ever had a Fathers Day dinner that was also your last meal before camp #urprobsjewish

If someone in your family mentioned it’s Mel Brooks birthday today #urprobsjewish

Happy 4th of JEWly

if your dad thinks he's funny #urprobablyjewish

If you knew your orthodontist before you were their patient #urprobablyjewish

If your grandma looks like this #urprobablyjewish

If your Mom sends back food more than she eats it #UrProbablyJewish