I like to say “heard that” when I have not actually heard that

As a DJ I like to cringe through my own song choices

If it’s not shabby chic I’m not interested

This is what it feels like having never said “crash out”

I can not stop singing Big Booty Club instead of Pink Pony Club

I like to pronounce 7-11 “sem lem”

Yamamagotchi

I wish there was a new band that sounded like Scorpions

I was just like “damn this oat milk tastes like shit” and it’s because I accidentally bought almond milk

People that root for a sports team from a town that they’re not from are embarrassing af Like saying “go birds!🦅” and you live in Texas 🥴

Sometimes a cute baby waves at me and I think I could be a good dad. But when I hear one screaming at the laundromat I think I’d probably tell my kid to shut the fuck up a lot

I just bought a trash can and the first thing I threw away was the receipt and I felt like I was living in a Mitch Hedberg joke

Laundromat is short for Laundry Matthew

Taking Vyvanse makes me feel like when ET is all dry

Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? I dunno, maybe try San Diego?? 🤦‍♂️

If I ever saw Bono and The Edge fist fighting I’d be like “Hey break it up u2”

One polyhedron Machu Picchu Macarena 💃

Snickers hit different when you buy they from a FedEx copy shop

I feel like city bus drivers would be good astronauts

There should be a Tina Turner anime