The Bachelor?!? More like The Baggage.

“There’s a poisonous bug by the thermostat!! Kill it! I purposely didn’t live in the Amazon for this reason...” #thingsginasays

Really disappointed after all these years a country cover artist named Gavin Yeehaw doesn’t exist. Not sure if my trust in humanity can be restored.

“That’s what the gopher said. Spring will come early. Gopher day.”...”wait...hedgehog?”

Ever seen the movie “The Fog”? Yeah well that was our Uber ride to the airport. Guy didn’t believe in having the air on in Chicago @ 5am when it was 30 degrees out.

4.84 on Uber. 4.84! I am nothing but an absolute angel in ride share settings. Whoever downrated me is in big trouble.

Was asking Gina if she heard the news that it was the worst single trading day since...to which she interrupted...”yeah like 1818” 🧐🧐😑😑

My fiancée just bought me a toothbrush rated for “grinding diamonds”. So there’s that.

Just got told that if I was a Spice Girl I would be “Old Spice”.

Have a major issue. Figured out I hit peak funny after one glass of wine. If you don’t see the issue we can’t be friends.

I’ve decided to grow out my nipples

Apple’s earnings be crazy even in this environment. People need to start buying more pears.

Pretty sure I’ve finally realized that there is only one ingredient difference between dog food and Reese’s Puffs. Peanut butter.

Did Pillsbury Patrick see his shadow or what? I need to know what’s going on with Winter stat.

Did Kentucky win the derby again or what?

Five years in and we randomly switched the sides of the bed we sleep on. Who says marriage can’t be exciting.

Dishwasher manufacturers need to develop a feature that the handle shocks you when it’s running and you try to put something in. It would end up being much less painful than w/e my wife is gonna do to me if I keep accidentally opening it.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but stop trying to reinvent the fast forward process. We already won that war long ago.

I’m still pissed that Trix are only for kids.

Am I viral yet?