My daughter: “What do you call a female sibling that helps you out?” Me: “No idea.” Daughter: “An assister.”

Ever notice how as soon as a family member decides they’re going to start eating healthy, they make everyone around them sick?

My daughter: “I have the perfect name for non-dairy cheese.” Me: “What is it?” Daughter: “Parevemesan.”

How ironic! The trans congressman McBride who changed their name from Tim to Sarah is outraged that Trump changed the name of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America.

My husband: “I have an awesome idea for an ice cream flavor.” Me: “Cool! What is it?” Husband: “Kuchenyo fudge and challah dough.”

Me (hearing blasting music coming from my daughter’s room): “It’s S’fira, why is the music going?” Daughter: “Isn’t Friday Lag B’Omer?” Me: “Yeah, so?!” Daughter: “I’m practicing dancing for Friday.”

US: Blacks are 15% of the total population and 85% of the prison population - WE CHILL! South Africa: Whites are 7% of the total population and own 75% of the land - WE MUST KILL THEM AND TAKE THEIR LAND!

Me: “This year I don’t want you to buy me a birthday present.” Husband: “Whenever you say that it ends up costing me a lot more.” Me: “Why?” Husband: “Because then you keep buying yourself expensive gifts and you tell me it’s ok because you didn’t get a birthday present.”

My son today at Ohel Chabad: “Mommy, there’s no way these are Pollak’s cookies!” Me: “What do you mean?” My son: “I don’t care what is says on the package, but Ohel cookies are way better than Pollack’s cookies!”

My daughter: “Did you hear about the Chasidishe guy that guy fired from Lululemon?” Me: “No. what happened?” My daughter: “He was working for Lululemon, but every time he picked up the phone he would say, Alo!”

My daughter: “You know what would be the perfect name of someone who steals money?” Me: “No. What?” Daughter: “Robin Peoples.”

It’s easy to rank on Frum businesses because they don’t offer a retirement plan. But they’re also the only businesses I know that will pay someone’s salary to their family when they’re out sick for a year or when they become indefinitely disabled or die.

They want you not to get married, not to have kids and not to work. It’s by design. Because unfulfilled, depressed, poor people are the easiest to control.

This Tinder study is so fascinating! Women swipe right on 15% of men’s profiles. Men swipe right on 70% of women’s profiles. The #1 (and almost only) dealbreaker for men is a very overweight woman. The top dealmaker for women is earning 2 to 3 times the national average.

Top five Chasidic male pleasures in order of least to most: 1) Boiling Mikvah 2) Overnight Kigel 3) Nasse Schvitz 4) Escalade with Leather 5) A Schvartze speaking Yiddish

It’s too easy to spot the out-of-towners - they’re always the ones at the corner waiting for the light to cross.

Watching Elon Musk and Donald J. Trump fight is like two Mechutanim fighting over the grandchild’s name before the Bris. It’s like you know they’re both really p*ssed, but they’re going to be splitting the bill and paying for it anyway.

It’s perfectly ok to lie in order to make peace between two people. But if that lie is telling one side that the other is interested in making peace when they are clearly not - that makes you an enabler, not a peacemaker.

I just watched a video from this young former Chasidishe Bucher who apparently has a video series teaching Bucherim how to go off. From the one video I watched, he’s definitely doing a great job convincing Bucherim that going off is hell and also quite gross.

Me: *feeling suicidal and dialing MTA 988* MTA 988: “Hello, MTA Suicide hotline, please hold.” *plays hold music for 3 and a half hours*