I am sweating so hard today that I have started leaving a gleaming trail in my wake like a slug. I was just in the local supermarket and one of the staff emptied a load of salt on my head.

Tricky game of #c4countdown today. Young fella (champ): 68 points Old fella (challenger): 71 points Me (me): 113 points So not that tricky really.

What should I do as far as a job is concerned? I hate responsibility, hate using my initiative, I'm not a team player, I hate people, am woefully unreliable and my only abilities are good spelling and punctuation and excessive verbosity. How can I monetise this abysmal skill set?

Q: A cocktail of fresh cream, creme de cacao and creme de menthe is named after which insect? Contestant: A daquiri. #tippingpoint

The woman just said that lemmings are birds, and she is in the final. She is the person who won the show. #tippingpoint

Now that I have no job, no chance of a job, no home and no money, I might join Elitesingles out of spite.

I'm sweating so hard now that I just pissed the bed and somehow it got drier. #heatwaveuk

Try to raise an extra £20 and get that fucking hair sorted out. bbc.com/news/uk-politi…

Stoke down to 10 men against Wolves #wwfc x.com/tim_spiers_Sta…

Completed level 3,590 of Candy Crush Saga which means that I have reached the end of all available levels for the second time. What a time to be alive, readers.

You don't think teenage boys' opinions on hair are valid? Sickening prejudice. We must include them in the discussion. x.com/Jacqui_Smith1/…

Shout-outs to the hundreds of people who think they are the only person to make the, "Yeah Gary Lineker, let's reply England vs Croatia, we didn't get the result we wanted there either" joke.

I have to babysit two dogs all morning. Hyperactive ones. I hate hyperactive dogs, I only like fat ones who just sit there expecting you to chub them up.

Not for the women x.com/wolfofwallst/s…

Argos in Wolverhampton is completely sold out of fans costing £35 or less. I blame Brexit.

This lot on #tenable are as dim as a sack of rocks.

Q: In a household, a kettle is commonly used to boil which liquid? As ever, #tippingpoint treats its contestants with the maximum respect for their intellectual capabilities.

Stockpile weapons, write 100,000-word manifestos x.com/kvren43/status…

Hi Cosmopolitan, please delete your account and rethink your life choices.