Dinner date didn’t go as planned

candid shot of me seeing myself in a reflective window

maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s glossi- no, she’s definitely born with it.

falling in love in the UK: “you had me at HIYAAA”

yeah, i like dogs. SUE ME. #sue #me

im sorry that i can’t be her

scuse me miss did u drop your name tag

Oh, so when other ppl call their pets "fur baby" its fine but when I call a kid a "skin dog" somehow I'm "disgusting" and "the worst pediatrician in this hospital"??

making my salads like lindsay lohan makes her movies - herby, fully loaded

the internet is right that when i type "nyti" it means i want nytimes.com/crosswords every day, except today.

didn't know what i was thankful for this morning, but now i know it's that my name's not tommy tuberville.

People in Brooklyn going NUTS as a USPS truck drives by

say what you will, but liz truss now has the best answer for the “what’s your most embarrassing moment?” icebreaker

have you ever considered that maybe santa doesn’t believe in YOU??

this weekend my friend asked me if i’ve heard the song pink horse hotel by chappell roan and i cannot stop thinking about it

please, my FATHER was ryan goose. call me ryan gosling.

why does anyone even go to the dentist? PAY someone just to CRITICIZE me when my mom does it for FREE?!