hey sorry i can’t come in to work today i was kidnapped by the russian mob

me, experiencing any sort of mild inconvenience: “i am in the mood to make a sizeable online purchase”

i’ve had “really really” by kevin gates stuck in my head for 6 days now by the way

there is nothing i hate more than when my hair smells like cigarettes <3

they should invent a mandolin slicer that is safe

s3 of love on the spectrum is great. really enjoying the introduction of Pari. i love nothing more than a baddie who has an incredibly niche special interest (the boston subway system) and is highly sought after by her male peers bc shes weird, only to be a lesbian. queen shit.

one time someone sat at my bar, and with a straight face, introduced himself to me as “T Money The Prince” mind you, when I took his ID, his name was Tyler.

so nosy that i brought a fucking lawn chair and a white claw outside to witness the 4 person domestic dispute outside just now

*practicing ordering jersey mikes ‘mikes way’* yeah i’ll take a number 12, but can you tell Mike to drop the Epstein files on it?

i’d divorce my husband for using our money to see coldplay before i divorced him for having an affair tbh

i’ve listened to folded - kehlani 73 times today

seaworld really had a waka flocka flame concert. just doing the most to stay open. can you imagine seeing flocka in a fish prison? i mean i’d go but like fuck

i can’t hear waka flocka flame in public because i turn into him