Feeling like a little Harry Potter and Chill is in order for Thursday night. Can someone please expelliarmus me from work?

Never take away someone's hope or dreams. It might be the only thing they have.

#ToUnderstandMe you must understand I dont want to be understood. Just accepted.

How do locomotives hear? With their engineers.

"There's a lady whose sure all her tweets are of gold, and she's tweeting her way to heaven."

If I tweet here tomorrow, would you still remember me. For I must be tweeting on now cuz there's too many tweets I havent made.

AM Tweet gold. Here all night relivin your favorites.

I plan to get more aggressive about saving for retirement. From now on, I am going to stand upright with my chest out and speak with authority when I buy that lottery ticket.

Dance as if no one is watching Tweet as if nobody is reading. Narrator: nobody was watching or reading.

Saw a tweet in "non-sex twitter" where someone said, "Had five guys today and it's nowhere near as good as in and out." It took me a few moments to remember where in Twitter I was and what they were saying...I think.

Whoops! Due not open Twitter at work on Tuesday...

I hate Elf on the Shelf. One more damn lie to perpetuate. "Why didnt he move?" "He doestt look real." JFC, hard enough to explain away Santa and now this is part of the house cards/lies.

If you block someone for sending you dick pics, are you cock blocking them?

What's black, blue, and pink all over? Cupid after shooting a hell's angel biker.

Why was the yardstick suspicious of the ruler? He could tell something was afoot.

#SaidDuringBoardGamesAndSex Roll for initiative. D&D

Told my wife I need to go down on her tonight. I'm a stress eater.

Havent shaved in a 2 weeks, overdue for a haircut, had 2 donuts and 5 glasses of wine for dinner. How's the quarantine working for all of you?

So is the US Supreme Court trying to kill democracy in Wisconsin or just its people? I cant tell.

The amount of sex that is going to happen post quarantine is going to be insane. It's going to make the 60s and 70s look positively quaint. scientificamerican.com/article/the-lo…