Maybe in 2017 we can have a world where the toast turns up the same time as the fry up. It's just a dream I know.

Quite enjoyed Reading. Chrisshopping done and watched a gutter fight last night. Got gived a bottle of Prossecco 75cl by girls. Ring a ding.

Train coming in with 100 mile an hour bar on it. Thank fuck, nearly sobered up and realised…

And I will Christmas Day out but I got to show willing. I'm in Stourbridge tomorrow night Friday the sixth

I don't think tweeting ever got a single extra person to one of my gigs but let's see if that changes tomorrow night in Stourbridge

Our comedy club on Fri 24 Feb 👏 Ian Cognito Eleanor Tiernan @howardread Matthew Osborn socsi.in/khLAV

12 tickets left for Ian Cognito Eddy Brimson Hannah Silvester and Rob Riley this Friday! congletoncomedy.co.uk #Congleton #Cheshire

Comedy last Sunday of the month @TheRailwaySW16 Ian Cognito Sion James

Our comedy club on Fri 24 Feb 👏 Ian Cognito Eleanor Tiernan @howardread Matthew Osborn socsi.in/0WlIQ

Sun26thFeb #Streatham #Comedy w. Ian Cognito Henry Paker Neil McFarlane @1joromero Annas Alamudi Tickets wegottickets.com/event/389379 PlsRT

In two weeks, Ian Cognito, Christian Reilly and @paulsilkywhite join us at TheAngelatTopcliffe! Details: hilaritybites.co.uk/march_7th.html #NEFollowers

Not only is this a big blow, it is a longblow. Hashtag "fuck off Doris. She's stretching me tarps.

Don't miss Ian Cognito in #Chorlton this Friday! "Just stunning" The Guardian "Blazing talent" Time Out Manchester

Yeah, big hairy deal. x.com/bearcatquiz/st…

Tickle your funny bone at #ScreamingBlueMurder this March ft. Ian Cognito, Caroline Mabey & @marksmithcomedy m.thecorecorby.com/m2/app.html?v=…

These Guys 29th April #live #standup Ian Cognito @M_Stellingwerf #freddiequinne #tonyburgess 50%Tickets Already Sold

Only 20 Tix Left For Sat 29th #laughterloft 4 Comedians £10 Ian Cognito Leicester Comedy Festival @M_Stellingwerf

Our next Lincoln Comedy Red Herring Night is tomorrow!! Starring Ian Cognito, Jayde Adams, Angela Barnes & MC Lloyd Griffith

Tuesday at The Comedy Store, Manchester with Joe Lycett and John Thomson just two of the great acts! ow.ly/HQsI30bAYlR #Manchester

If anyone still reads this shit I'm at the Exeter Bierkeller tonight, Sunday 2nd. Fuck social media, let's go live.