Do you want to get dinner sometime? Sorry, I said that wrong. Do you want to get me dinner sometime? Like deliver food to me and then leave?

I just sighed so hard that i blew out a candle that was 2 feet away from me...Tragic.

Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.

Why aren't iPhone chargers called apple juice?

*Alcohol kills germs. *Vodka is alcohol. *Flu is germs. *Vodka kills the flu. *You're welcome!....Where am I....

sorry I called your baby an "it"

Do the people in Fiji know we pay 4 dollars for their tap water?

The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

Sorry I yelled “killin’ it” when your mom was eating that banana.

Trump is going to Mexico! Actually he's visiting a Chipotle near the Burbank airport, but he honestly won't be able to tell the difference.

#UNHhhhForStreamys

The closest I've ever come to being a 'hunter and gatherer' is opening my own pistachios.

I hate double sided makeup brushes. There I said it.

If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic? #ineedanswers #askingforafriend

Got that early birthday present good good! Fenty Beauty Jeffree Star Manny MUA Lipsticknick

Presentation: 1. Taste: a million. I️ only bought this because of Sarah Michelle. Will continue to buy because of deliciousness Foodstirs Junk-Free Bakery!

I could communicate with a pod of dolphins via the clicking and popping sounds my body makes in the morning.

Thinking about my big announcement this Friday... what could it be??! 💋🖤 📸 - Jon Sams 💄assist - Eddie Giron ✂️- Jesus Guererro