Me & my friends 6m-1 year after the last person in the country gets the final shot of the vaccine

Recently took my kid with me for most of the day running errands and doing work-related stuff and when I asked my wife if she did any relaxing while we were gone and she said she scared herself looking up “pictures of real ghosts”

*pronouncing the mushroom like the zodiac sign* I’m a cremini

There’s a special *super* quiet that gets unlocked when the toddler is focused on doing something off-limits. Earnest problem solving has normal, frustrated half-grunts but off-limits stuff is like sonic Vantablack. Anyway someone learned our phone passwords this week.

don't know how i never looked this up before but i really like that the Arabic phrase for satellites literally means "synthetic moons"

How many more Dominos pizzas do I have to eat to get one of those light up roof ornaments I see on other cars

Ebay? Oh you mean the app I use to buy old aquarium merch i couldnt convince my parents to buy for me when I was a kid?

“Dada, do you hear those little baby birds singing outside? Their sound waves are hitting my pinna, then going into my auditory canal, my ear drum, and then those waves hit the ossicles, and then my cochlea!” - my toddler who is turning 3 in two weeks

What if Australians referred to coming out as “ditchin the clozzie”

Was working on my phone while my wife and her sister were talking and I tuned back in just in time to hear my wife say, “I mean it’s like The Epic of Gilgamesh - it’s *fine*”

For all the bribery and corruption, Corey Johnson sure is terrible at it

The “in film and television” section for the Brandy Alexander starts out strong

Name your twins Wax & Wayne but Wax is short for Waxwell or Waximillion

this whole series of quotes from brian cox reminds me of my favorite messy shit talking interview of all time, Jennifer Lopez for Movieline in 1998: movieline.com/1998/02/01/the…

Four year old just told me they’re gonna be a doctor with a dog and a cat. And their names are gonna be Mirror and Quack.

Just had to type “Alex” into the search field on the Ikea website. Felt humiliating for some reason.

Just watched a dude unsuccessfully attempt to feed his date leftover popcorn from a crumpled Film Forum popcorn bag they brought with them to Bushwick. She rebuffed but is still hanging tough. Merry Thanksgiving eve to us all.