Feel like my entire life has been spent in-between belt loops.

Hitting the vape pen right when the sleep meds kick in is just special.

There’s nothing like an iPhone update to make you instantly feel 10 years older.

Am I too old to be a theater kid

*Bats eyes* “No, YOU’RE insufferable!”

My college kid’s love language is “Can you text me the Amazon code?”

I already know I can’t sleep later

If my toenails get any longer I’m gonna try out for America’s Got Talons.

If this is the last social media app you check and not the first, please unfollow thank you.

Husband: can I vent about my mom Me, pours drink, eyes tear up: I thought you’d never ask

I’ve been thinking about the definition of insanity for years.

Who turned the heat off? #GoodNeighbor #HaveAGoodOne #Heating #ColdWeather

Jesus gathered his disciples and said “Make apps for me, and market them most heavily during lent”.

“For real though bruh like what happened to the milk man?” — My 18 year old daughter, whom I love

I can’t get an erection unless the Dow closes above 50,000.

Twitter: Y’all didn’t tell me this Harris Teeter grocery store bar was LIT!! The Bar:

My last 437 lol’s have been complete bullshit.

There is nothing like a gin buzz

The way life is going, I don’t mind losing an hour. Hell, go ahead and take a couple years while you’re at it.

Subtitles are the best when YOUR SPOUSE IS LOUDLY SNACKING CAN WE TURN THE SUBTITLES UP?!?!? What do you mean ? I MEAN THEY ARENT LOUD ENOUGH!! ISNT THAT CRAZY? THAT I WANT THE SUBTITLES TURNED UP HAHA CRAZY!