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The creator of the Bloody Mary cocktail definitely did not know what they were doing and just stopped with ingredients because the glass was full.

Last night at dinner our waiter told us the goat’s cheese we were eating was in the goat two weeks ago. Felt like an overshare. Would've preferred, "it's fresh".

My dad used to make me do so much yard work as a kid I would call in sick to home.

Bad spelling on your resume can be helpful. 4 years experience as a Barista: “no thank you!” 4 years experience as a Barrister: “you’re hired!”

For Christmas my grandmother gifted me a tin of dutch wafer biscuits… the same ones I gave her 4 years ago. That is confidence. Or Alzheimer's.

The key to cooking potato wedges at home is keeping them in the oven for about three days.

I like watching an actor spend their entire career doing American accents and the second they win award it’s like “FANK YOU AND FANK ‘VYONE ‘HO ‘ELPED ME”

When writing a to do list I include stuff I've already done just so I can cross something off. I recommend it if you want to feel accomplished and can accept lying to yourself.

My favourite part of the hottest 100 countdown is when they call an international artist to ask how they feel, and they could not care less.

Thought it was a bit harsh that BuzzFeed sacked their workers via a "11 People Who No Longer Work At Buzzfeed" list.

This is on tonight if you’re in Melbourne. If you’re not, you have all day. Make an effort for once.

I’m now 26 which means if you’re successful and younger than 26, I hate you.

Watched a scrawny teenage boy line up at Boost Juice and order a Gym Junkie smoothie. Pretty inspirational to see a guy on day one of his transformation journey.

Brrrr its Winter! Let’s us here at Guerilla warm you up with some burgers n beer and great laughs. Josh Perring heads a fantastic lineup this wed. Extra warm cosy room and we can’t wait to see you, Wed 7.30. Josh Perring Peter Jones Aurelia St Clair

when you try pulling the hotel blanket from where it’s tucked

Open mic mc taking you home to meet their parents. “So this next parent, is a very good friend of mine, please meet, my mum”.

Tickets to my debut solo show in Sydney and Melbourne are now on sale at linktr.ee/joshperring There’s also an early bird special until Wednesday - so please just go ahead and book tickets after that! Hope to see you there! Thanks to graphics wizard Zach Miller for the poster

Heading to my 10 year high school reunion this weekend. Excited to fill everyone in on my biggest achievement since I left, losing my virginity.

I’m at the Espy in St Kilda. Guys are so courteous here with bathroom cubicle use. Everyone goes in with a mate to save time.