i go to work, i make my coworkers wonder what is wrong with me, and then i clock out

WHATEVER YOU’VE BEEN HEARING, IT WAS NOT ME

Just won a big hot dog eating contest. I only managed to finish two, but all the judges agreed I ate them beautifully. No hesitation, clearly relishing each moment of the process, but without making a hint of mess. They said they'd never seen such affection for the food.

Ignored the small door that appeared in my apartment three days ago and now it’s gone. That’s how it’s done.

"I asked grok" "I asked chatGPT" ok well I just knew.

i always felt so bad for her. this looks irreversible and painful.

best taylor swift song this year is how bad do u want me

why now? why this sperm?

The texts between Conan, Will Arnett, and Jason Bateman are hilarious. Conan lost both of his parents and somehow joking about Bateman killing them is so dark and yet such a sweet way to help a friend grieve.

2026 is about HONORING THE HAG. WE ARE LIFTING UP THE HAG AND CELEBRATING THE INVISIBLE AND OFTEN UNCOMPENSATED LABOR OF THE HAG. 2026 IS THE YEAR OF THE HAG. WATCH THIS SPACE.

my dream is to say something amazing and everyone smiles

trans joy is an act of resistance

If you would have told me it would only take one video of McCarthy tearing up while sounding exactly like all my uncles to be completely bought in I woulda said “Yeah that sounds about right”

Guys, let’s bring back the tradition of introducing our single friends to our other single friends

UPDATE THE POWERPOINT

did you guys just feel that? i turned my swag on