11-year-old: Are we doing anything fun this weekend? Me: Yes. 11: Actually fun or what you think is fun? She's catching on.

Here we see 8 who decided life is over after not being able to have the iPad in his hands

My son forgot what earlobes are called so after a pause he said ear sacks. He is no longer allowed to speak if he doesn’t recall a word.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

To all parents reading this, a reminder to take some time for yourself today and relax. Jk you've got toddlers. You're screwed. Hope this helps.

You know what’s worse than getting a song you hate stuck in your head? Your kid getting a song you hate stuck in their head. Like 10 times worse man

For a second time, my wife scheduled a double sleepover at our house when she conveniently has to work. Then as one of my son's friends is guzzling Kool aid at dinner, tells me he also has an iced caramel mocha earlier. One of us isn't surviving. It's me. I'm not gonna survive.

happy "let's circle back on this after the holidays" to all who observe!

Replaced a fuse in a rival dad’s Christmas lights so the second half of the strand would turn on right in front of his wife and kids.

Some of you will need this soon.

Little kids putting on clothes is more entertaining than professional wrestling.

Pausing a movie to explain old tech to your kid makes you really appreciate how far we’ve come, and how old you’ve gotten. Mostly the old part tho

I’m on a weight-loss journey. But I appear to be walking backwards.

What's great about older kids is that there's no longer food crumbs everywhere and they pick up after themselves and if you believed this I'm sorry. I'm totally lying. It's actually way worse. More crumbs. Hope this helps you younger parents out there.

If you’re having a bad day, find a toddler and ask them to pronounce hallelujah. You’re welcome

Well, it’s Father’s Day and the rest of my family is out of town. So, basically I’m living the dream of all mothers on Mother’s Day

Don't be a pessimist and tell me my fly is half open. Be an optimist and say it's half closed!

My dog: *panting in terror and shuddering like a lopsided laundry load on spin cycle* Me: Awww it’s okay, boy. It’s just a rapid series of explosions and guns going off hundreds of times for hours and hours. Don’t be such a scaredy cat.

I’ve said “well that didn’t sound good” many times in my life while driving. Now that I’m in my 40s, I also say it in reference to my body.

The older I get, the more irritated I am by the spelling of Wednesday