The rest of the world is watching America like America watched Tiger King.

Welcome to Twitter. No matter how logical and unassailable your post is someone will be along to argue with you soon.

I'm always looking for new & exciting ways to give up

Check on you friends…some of them had to go to Walmart today

the whole “read before you go to bed to get sleepy” thing does not apply to me i will be up till 5am if the book is hitting

if you post spoilers for a movie that genuinely just came out a day ago i have no choice but to kill you

I think it’s so beautiful we let Nicolas Cage tell us all our stories now.

Below is a list of people not yet on a list

Creepshow 2: The Raft (1987) 🔊

drifting to sleep listening to the ambient sounds of attack ships on fire and swords clashing

Cinnamon Toast Crunch used to be represented by 3 smiling chefs and is now represented by a piece of cereal who is a cannibal

i’m gonna wander into your life and stick around forever. like a stray cat

bro did you seriously just cut a rug

If my name were Christopher, I’d go by Stop

True shenanigans require accomplices.

just another lovely Friday night on the website for the mentally ill

don’t fear the reaper shawty

95% of my knowledge is based off of ‘Real Facts’ I learned from Snapple bottle-caps in the 90s

I should probably try to do this sleep thing everyone keeps talking about

Them: i’m your favorite rapper’s favorite rapper Me: “Weird Al”?