The dentist keeps trying to show me my teeth and I’m like dude I’m not looking at those

just wanted to let everyone know that the news is saying the meme is back for May 1st. there might be a meme in your area that’s back

I bought a little shelf at target today and have been staring at it smiling for about 4 hours. It looks like a great outfit on my wall, holding my vitamins AND my style. It’s like I’ve known this shelf my whole life because maybe I have! (this is a target commercial I just wrote)

may I one fine Fucking day live in a universe where I can, without thinking, purchase a vintage ceramic asparagus decoration for over $100 because, in that universe, money is about joking

Whenever I pitch my film about a snake eating a huge log and becoming a big vertical tube walking around everyone gets really upset but I promise it’s not scary it’s actually hilarious. And has a great message

My daughter, trying to convince him to give her a cookie. Hand on pant. Perfect form! She is an actual genius

alert: an unrecognized device of the only device you’ve ever Fucking used to sign in has just logged into your account. was that you? was it?? we have no way of knowing. help us

Hey dude good morning, have you seen a raven that screams like a car honk fly by here in the past 5 minutes? I’m tracking him but I’m not doing a very good job

It always hurts my feelings when I am signing therapy consent forms and it is in writing that I cannot be my therapist’s friend. Like I get it, but damn that’s harsh dude. Can I get another therapist and then we can be friends? What??? Why don’t you want to be my friend dude geez

I might be overthinking this but espresso martinis frighten me. I’ve never had one but I feel, deeply, like i’d take 4 sips and fucking explode. And every time I see one on TV I’m afraid

plane meals do not know what they are. i’m not saying other types of food are cognizant but i AM saying that if a plane meal could talk it would sound like gollum from lord of the rings. and it would shout “YOU CAN'T EATS ME PRECIOUS, YOU CAN'TS” when you open its lid

thinking about keeping my antidepressants in a fancy dish

attention to all reply guys tier 3 and higher, we are no longer doing courtesy likes on replies that contain the same dumb joke everyone else is making. please pass the news to your subordinates

some birds really just open their eyes and start screaming for several hours and personally i find this inspiring

instagram thinks i should buy these pants and i'm starting to think they're right

had a dream where I was on trial for being a huge fucking dork and I lost