Rejected joke - penis enlargement clinic. This is me testing jokes for the new tour. This one didn’t make the cut but I’m quite fond of it anyway so I’m posting it here. Please like share, follow, ridicule as appropriate. New tour Gary on Laughing is on sale now. More dates

All Jay-Z's problems have been undone by his brother, Ctrl-Z.

Ordered a sandwich earlier and when it arrived the bread was made of sofas and the cheese was a melting clock. That's the last time I use Salvador's Delí.

I've just spilt carpet cleaner everywhere and nobody is ever going to know....

My second joke book is nearly finished. There are lots of silly pictures in it as well.

This Wyclef Jean tribute act is Japanese. He's also in a band called the 'Mount Fugees'.

The police found a dead Evri courier in my garden. They said ‘Do you recognise him?’ I said ‘He doesn’t ring a bell’.

My walk from London to Brighton went without a hitch. You’d have thought someone would have given me a lift. #LunchPun #RateMyPun

I always keep a lab coat nearby in case my wife starts an argument. Well, you can't argue with science.

I bought some socks for my holiday today. I wanted to see if they were the right size but I couldn’t tell as I didn’t have my swimming trunks with me.

Ladies call me a sex bomb because I’ve got a two inch fuse and explode very quickly.

People don’t like it when I read over their shoulder on trains which is a shame as I’m really good and do ALL the voices.

I went to the Ice Rink to brush up on my Skating and that's how I was introduced to Curling. #curling #CurlingScandal

If you sit on your hand before crying it feels like someone else is wiping away the tears.

They've just removed the bird of prey rehabilitation room from the local bird sanctuary. Hawkward!!!!

Another joke that didn’t make the cut. This was me testing some new material in Wakefield last night (hence reading from the clipboard) a lady was horrified by this joke which turned out to be funnier than the actual joke so here it is. New tour of the jokes that made the cut on

A student at my school never looked at the seating plan. He ended up on the wrong side of History.

Tried this joke out Foxlowe Arts Centre Work in Progress show It doesn’t make the cut but it’s a solid B so here it is on line. New tour on sale

- In this murder mystery, the groom suffocates his new wife using a slice of bread - Smothers bride? - No, Warburtons #LunchPun

A recent holiday photo, holidays start with National Express. National Express #WinDough