go ahead and jump in the hotdog water since u wanna act like a weenie

Idk why they think they can start another year when I’ve barely started this one.

you've heard of Elf on the Shelf but have you heard of using your fcking blinker

Me: “One time I farted so long, I was surprised that my butt didn’t have to stop and catch its breath.” Interviewer: “… and a weakness?”

don't be horny around me i'm an empath

Apparently the job interviewer doesn’t like it when your biggest weakness is beautiful latinas

Lately I’ve been experimenting with hitting the homies with a “Just The Man I Wanted To See” when they pull up

the best advice i’ve ever been given was righty tighty lefty loosey

I just hit a dog going 70mph on my car. Such a shitty xmas eve RN. It ran right up on the highway. I hate this year so much.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things that are so over, the courage to say fuck it we ball, and the wisdom to know when we are so fucking back

A healthy mind does not speak ill of others.

Turns out I didn’t need my father’s approval, I just needed my tattoo artist to tell me that I “sat well”

Barn owls must have been pretty excited When the first barn was built.

Bama fans haven't been this upset since the outcome of Brown v. Board

I'm seriously starting to question the credibility of the FIFA Peace Prize.

If there’s 1 thing the US is known for its invading other countries and taking their oil.

The problem is the trump is bringing Maduro here and ice will probably just deport him back to Venezuela as soon as they find out.