My cell phone is acting up, I keep pressing the home button but when I look around, I'm still at work.

I never apologise. I’m sorry, that’s just the way I am.

I like to limit myself to 2 tweets a day: One after breakfast, one after lunch, and one in the afternoon.

What is the capital of India? I know it’s not France.

I was really upset at the last episode of “Blackadder Goes Forth”, when they “go over the top”. The Great War was such a terrible waste of life. I was so relieved when I found out it wasn’t a documentary!

Have you ever wondered why you can’t taste your tongue?

For the last 2 hours I’ve been trying to call the police to alert them to some suspicious behaviour.... and no one is answering!!! Our emergency services are a joke!!

Lesson for life: There’s no “I” in happyness.

I hate people that use “their” when they mean “they’re”!!! Learn you’re grammar, people!!

Looking forward to Question Tine tonight. Remember, there is a fine line between Cleverley and Stupidly. A very fine line. #BBCQT

Getting ready for Question Time by listening to some of my favourite 90’s RnB tracks. “Don’t go Jason Waterfalls”.... classic!

People ask me how can I tweet whilst I’m on the television… The answer is simple: I’m the real thing - the man on the telly is the parody. #BBCQT

Why isn’t there a mouse-flavoured cat food? #BBCQT

Happy to be going away for the weekend. Unfortunately, my flight is still grounded as the pilot says they cannot take off until everyone has turned their phones off! Can’t believe these ignorant, selfish people - turn off your devices!

Did you know that you can bite your finger off as easily as you can bite a carrot? Except that your brain goes “No, don’t do it!!!”......so you can’t.

Labour are behind in the polls and are in the middle of a Marxists vs Moderates civil war. They don’t really want a general election. They want to talk about a general election and I am a massive bell. #Marr

Damn that vote was close tonight...

I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger… Then it hit me

Thought of the week. #TurningPoint