Whoever invented the button fly was clearly never in a hurry.

You don't see many white women named Akhmad. She's a keeper!

*Heavy Irish breathing*

My favourite part about Montréal continues to be all the dick puns

Following OnlyFans' example, and we are no longer selling bidets.

Sorry I missed our date, I was just thinking about how we could do it for the heads up I have to go.

You are a spark in the infinite dark

I can't stop giggling at my french teacher saying: "Je me suis levé de bonne heure..."

The closer I get to the bottom of this $70 bottle of Sephora face cream, the deeper my existential crisis becomes.

It's legal to murder teenagers, right?

The election is over and one thing is clear: Justin Trudeau hasn't learned his lesson about looking like a minority.

Time for another round of my favourite game: ✨Talk to My Therapist or✨ ✨Turn This Into a Comedy Bit?✨

McHappiness: The fleeting sense of contentment you feel while doing something you know is a bad idea.

Tonight! Zoofest vet Darren Henwood hosts Newbie Tuesday with not-so-newbie guests @danielcarin @_simonecomedy_ @paulashcomedy Tom Sin Janelle Niles and more! 8pm (to 9:30), $5 gets you in and a free pass to a weekend show! Info/tix comedynest.com

I think my favourite pro-charity song is Give It Away by The Red Hot Chili Peppers

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory would be a great name for a porn focused on anal sex.

Tonight I finished unpacking the rest of my stuff from the move. I'm happy to say my room no longer looks like a pile of random garbage. Now it looks like a carefully curated assortment of random garbage.

Someone I'm smoking weed with just said: "remember that old movie Scary Movie"? And I feel very personally attacked.

Seeing businesses complain about a labour shortage feels a lot like seeing "nice guys" complain no one will date them. Maybe you're the one that needs to change?

Why am I here? To be of service to my community.