If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body

Happy Birthday darling Balls Deep! May all your desires and wishes come true and may this be your best year yet! March 28, rocks! Sending you love, hugs and kisses from Toronto! 😘 xo 🎉🎈🎂🥂🍾🍻🎁🎊

mood: rage fuck me in the romance section of the bookstore

Shhh, my jam is on.

*looks up from phone* When the fuck did Trump take over? What’s a Lizzo and can I fuck it?

It’s like this bitch driving the Oddysey going 54 in the fast lane doesn’t know I am touching cotton. Step on it Karen!

Society: Breast feeding makes me uncomfortable Also society: You see the tits on her?

I’d show off my boobs too, if I had any to show.

What she said: I'm pretty chill and don’t do clingy. What I heard: I just ordered a deer stand and binoculars on Amazon Prime.

19 years ago, all our lives changed 9 years 8 months and 21 days later, SEAL team 6 put a bullet in that motherfucker's head #NeverForget

*accidentally posts “looking for used tranny” on Tinder profile* *gets message from Anastasia* Me:Shit! *deletes and posts to Craigslist* *gets message from Fantasia* Me:You have GOT to be kidding me!! *tries to move out of California, but my transmission still isn’t fixed*

If Twitter does implode, 1. It will be far less impressive when it’s found in a cave somewhere in 2,000 years 2. We should all be embarrassed by what they do find and 3. Fuck Elon Musk

I thought for sure Twitter would shut down years ago. I just thought it would shut down because of our bad behavior….not because of some pussy named Elon

I wonder if he noticed I moved in.

You know you made it when you see one of your tweets on a random Tinder bio

Unless your pussy looks like Mr. Bigglesworth I ain’t fucking with it.

Gen Z:Ankle socks are cancelled Me:*looks down* What? Why? Gen Z:Because they are ugly, bruh Me: But Gen Z:That ain’t drip…that’s cringe, no cap Me:I’m not even wearing a hat Gen Z:You think you ate, but that’s hella basic Me:Fuck you bitch! Gen Z:I’m no dog…I identify as a cat

You know your Twitter career was a success when your daughter finds and sends you screenshots of your old tweets with the 💀emoji

Who needs to buy groceries when you can eat my ass?

Living for an entire lifetime sounds fucking exhausting