BREAKING: Ethel is monitoring the situation

Guys, I’ve officially decided to run for Mayor of NYC My platform: - Slash all rents by 50% - Lower grocery prices by 80% - Make the subway free - Tax unrealized capital gains monthly - 3 day work weeks - Legalize cocaine - Approved Duane Reed looting (Mon only) VOTE FOR

BREAKING: The S&P 500 and Nasdaq ended the quarter at new all-time highs

Can confirm. Best, Bart (Sent from East Hampton)

BREAKING: Circle’s 490% rally has led JPMorgan to issue a sell-rating on the stock, less than a month after serving as the $CRCL IPO lead underwriter

After watching this video, it’s clear that IB analysts are absolutely cooked

Trillions in shareholder value to be created if AI financial modeling becomes widely adopted by investment banks and PE funds

BREAKING: Goldman Sachs now requires junior bankers to certify every 3 months that they haven’t accepted private equity offers The move aims to curb aggressive poaching by buyout firms targeting analysts just months into the job, as on-cycle recruiting continues to accelerate

BREAKING: Goldman Sachs will require junior bankers to certify every three months that they haven’t accepted a job elsewhere, in an attempt to combat early PE recruiting

BREAKING: Fyre Fest is for sale Billy McFarland is auctioning off the whole brand on eBay - trademarks, domains, socials, marketing assets Starting bid? 10 cents. Current bid? $200K

Any remix should be referred to as Adjusted EBITDA

Did Bill Ackman sub in for Anisimova?

“I was the founder of FTX. Here’s how to protect my customer’s deposits.”

BREAKING: The Trump admin is finalizing an executive order to allow 401(k) retirement savings plans to invest in private equity — per BBG

I’m available to run the Fed if needed

Idk how yall do that 9-5 shit

We can call the dividing street “Wall Street”