Awkward. When a zoo says that penguins mate for life, they should add “with other penguins.” That’s three hours of my life I won’t get back, to say nothing of the cost of the movie tickets, the cancelled dinner reservation, and the police record.
#WorldPenguinDay

My thoughts are with plucky free speech warrior Laurence Fox as he faces the legal consequences of defaming people. Those thoughts are as follows:
1. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
2. *breathe*
3. Ha ha ha ha ha ha fucking ha.

Breaking: scientists report being astonished by the unexpected appearance of a rare and almost unprecedented phenomenon. An actual policy from the Labour Party. Hallefuckinglujah.

And calling Wilkie Collins fans: the author of The Woman in White is one of the Dead Writers in Rehab too. What finer tribute in his bicentenary year!

Next month we re-issue Paul Bassett Davies' surreal comedy Dead Writers in Rehab, which features Hemingway, William Burroughs, Hunter S Thompson and Dorothy Parker locked in an addiction clinic. Until publication day, it's 30% off if you buy direct from us
eye-books.com/books/dead-wri…

The idea of penguins celebrating World Penguin Day today is absurd, naturally. They refuse to recognise the date, having resisted the adoption of the new Gregorian calendar in 1582, and still adhere to the old Julian one, for tax purposes.

Just discovered that April is Stress Awareness Month, and it's nearly over. Another thing to worry about.

Penguins don't celebrate World Penguin Day. They're treating today just like a regular Friday and making plans for the weekend as usual.

If they ban TikTok its my chance to finally be an influencer! Ok, here goes:
EVERYONE WEAR A BLUE HAT.
FISH ARE THE NEW DOGS.
DANCE WITHOUT A CACTUS.
SHUN YOUR SKELETON.
NOBODY CAN BE ALAN.
TROUSERS MADE OF SMOKE.
IF YOU’VE GOT IT, EAT IT.
SEND MONEY.
(hope I’m doing this right)

That ghastly sinking feeling you get when someone announces: 'The children have written a little play for us, and now they’d like to perform it, so can everyone come into the living room please,' is exactly what you get when you see Laurence Fox trending.

COMING SOON!
*Find out how to disagree with Hemingway while dodging his uppercut!
*Read Dorothy Parker's lost erotic film script!
*Admire Hunter Thompson's drug deals in the afterlife!
*Try not to be shocked by where Wilkie Collins hides his opium!
eye-books.com/books/dead-wri…

Voter photo ID? OK, if the government wants me to prove who I am when I vote, I want them to prove who they are when they vote in parliament: full disclosure of who funds them, financial and family interests, their shareholdings, directorships, associations and affiliations.

Adorable birthday photos of Prince Louis! Such a cheeky smile! Almost as if he’s thinking about the lifelong luxury and privilege that awaits him at our expense, the little scamp.

When someone who's not funny attempts a shit joke that falls flat, the usual retort is 'Don't give up the day job.' But we'll make an exception in the case of government ministers. They should all, please, really, really give up the day job.
#PMQs

A horse walks into a bar in London. Followed by six more horses, one of them covered in blood. The barman refrains from making any comment whatsoever about the length of their faces, or anything else, and edges slowly out of the back door. Holy shit.

I hope they never give teachers guns in the UK. It was bad enough giving them overhead projectors.

To be fair, many of the self-proclaimed patriots clashing with police in London today are paying tribute to Churchill, but only in the sense that they’re bald, overweight, and drinking in the daytime.

I love my country too much to be a patriot.

If Shakespeare were around today would he be writing for Netflix? No, he’d be too tired. He’d be over 450 years old. He’d be mostly napping, and he’d be pretty cranky. You know what old people are like.

COMING SOON!
*Find out how to disagree with Hemingway while dodging his uppercut!
*Read Dorothy Parker's lost erotic film script!
*Admire Hunter Thompson's drug deals in the afterlife!
*Try not to be shocked by where Wilkie Collins hides his opium!
eye-books.com/books/dead-wri…