A look at my life as a Toilet Paper Funeral Director. #RIPTP (All toilet paper funeral videos will be attached to this thread for easier collective mourning of our dearly departed paper products.)

I just participated in an awkward Zoom proposal during a pandemic with a dozen people I’ve never seen before, for my Mormon father and the woman he’s been dating for three months, who will soon be his third wife. Apparently I’ve been distracted and my life has become a Mad Lib.

Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down Me *reads the news out loud* Spider *depressed* holy shit

My three-year-old has taken this time during a frightening pandemic in which it’s essential we all practice good personal hygiene and avoid touching your eyes, nose, and mouth as the perfect opportunity to begin eating her boogers 😒

Me: “I want to lose some fat” My body: *makes boobs smaller* Me: “No, not there. Let’s try again” MB: *boobs get ever smaller* Me: “Too small! Ugh,I’ll eat more” MB: *adds fat onto stomach; boobs now smaller than ever” Me: “Ah, please stop!” MB: *makes just the left side bigger*

Popular Science is just throwing out sick burns now.

Do you identify as an empath or are you fun to be around

For Halloween this year I’m going to be very sad

The Year 2020 as told by Arrested Development

It’s kind of wild running into someone you haven’t seen for a while, because you haven’t done anything or gone anywhere in six months and your entire conversation is just subtly hinting that you’ve gone insane and have low-grade depression without actually using those words.

Journalism kids are theater kids that can’t sing

Parents will playfully describe their kids things like “sassy”, “feisty” “incorrigible” or “a free spirit” because it’s not socially acceptable to call them assholes.

turbotax: do you have any dependants? me: i am the backbone of several groupchats

Oh yes, beloved actor James Carrey, who is clearly most known for his role in Sonic the Hedgehog...

From the makers of Mom™️ and Pregnancy™️, we bring you ‘Endless Exhaustion’ and ‘Poorly Thought Out Threats you Gave your Child and Really Hope you Don’t Have to Follow Through On’...

why did i make this

It’s really wonderful how my baby just wants to stare lovingly into my eyes for endless amounts of time, but also a little rude because after almost four months he should know how much I like looking at my phone.

Lullabies are bizarre. Your baby is upset and you want them to stop crying? Got it. ✨RELATABLE✨. So to help you’re going to… buy them a bird? Weird, but sure. Oh wait, the bird is too quiet for you? So now you’re going to… BUY THEM A DIAMOND RING? Insane.

When I say “I hate drama” I mean I hate being involved in drama. Other people's drama? Big fan.