F*ck Tucker Carlson. While he was practicing his two-step, America’s female warriors were hunting down Al Qaeda and proving the strength of America’s women. Happy belated International Women’s Day to everyone but Tucker, who even I can dance better than.

Ya'll, most of my life just consists of moving books from the book shelf to my desk to my bedside table to the coffee table to the book shelf to my desk to my bedside table to the coffee table to the

Upping that mask game ❤️ #ForeverMyFirstLady

On Sundays we play with fake Frida Kahlo tattoos while writing. Of course. (ooh, and I got another rejection this week!) #yourgoalistocollect100rejections #ohmydarlingwhatifyoufly

But, like, if you see an empty warehouse and don’t want to turn it into a theater are you even gay?

That moment when your co-worker sends you an “O Captain! My Captain!” gif and you get really excited and tell them you love that movie and they say they’ve never seen it and only know the quote. Anyway, I’m only answering to Captain Arielle now.

My own phone just auto-corrected my last name to Schnitzel and I’m not sure if I should feel offended or deeply understood. Anyway, here’s a picture of Sonia living her best life.

Going to an open mic tonight for the first time in well over a year and digging through old set lists right now. I found one with just the word “gruyere” written down. I have no idea what it was about, but I am sure it killed. #gruyere #chicagocomedy #ohmydarlingwhatifyoufly

I just saw three posts about cheesecake in a row… the algorithm is on to me.

Getting my first few mics back in the books and DANG it feels good. Also: new handle, who dis? Finally took out the underscores and it’s now @aSchnurThing on Twitter & Instagram 🌈 #ohmydarlingwhatifyoufly #ohmydarlinglookatyoufly

From the writer who brought you “Oh My God Liz No One Thinks Your Teeth Are Interesting” and “Pastrami Patrami!” comes a new autobiography “Thanks, It’s Got Pockets, OR I finally found Dürer at the Art Institute!” #Chicago #ChicagoComedy #ohmydarlingwhatifyoufly

Brunch is now a full contact sport. Wear your sunscreen, people. Even if you don’t think you need it. Even if a magical dolphin told you… Currently using cold cloths, aloe lotion, ibuprofen—now seeking all additional un-ouching advice. Wrong answers welcome and encouraged.

Writing submission mentality from earlier in the year: Your goal is to collect 100 rejections. Shifting this to re-starting stand up: My goal is to bomb 100 open mics. Gratuitous sweaty basement laundry selfie ❤️ #ohmydarlingwhatifyoufly

Summer in the city = outdoor comedy with the best ❤️ But obviously only remembering to take pictures when we’re inside by the bathrooms. #willyoubemynanny #likemotherlikedaughter #chicago #chicagocomedy

UM it’s been so long since I have made one of these! Had the absolute JOY of going through Fem Com with a group of truly badass women—and lucky YOU we’re hitting the stage together on Tuesday! #ohmydarlingwhatifyoufly

But, like, are you even a writer if you haven’t sneezed and then ripped out a notebook page to blow your nose?

Ari’s pro tip of the day: Double check your cinnamon before putting it on vanilla yogurt—cumin vanilla is even worse than it sounds. I mean, you’re welcome.

This 90’s kid got a last minute ticket to see the woman who first made me realize I was gay 🌈🌈🌈 Yes, it’s Alanis. Yes, I wore eyeliner for days. Yes, I forgot a flannel to tie around my waist.

Okay, hear me out: Exposure therapy, but for homophobes who have to silently listen as I talk about bell hooks.