Watching bones in an upstate ICU. Don’t give up on your dreams

I really hate working. Why couldn’t my dad be a billionaire AND a coward?

When the eclipse passes, I hope to have a career in television.

Can you text my enemies “did you what David wrote about you on the sun?”

On the bus to the city, and my airpods died and now im listening to a woman describe the plot to Kimberly Akimbo and i’d like to pass away

I know I am the first person to say this, but Beyoncé is a good musician

I recently purchased storage space to accommodate new grudges

I love when a Manhattan comedian comes to the foreign land of Williamsburg and is like “where even are we?” like he is Carrie Bradshaw circa 2002

I’m gonna quit comedy after I finish listening to Barbra Streisand’s memoir.

Should I start watching The Family Stallone or check into inpatient treatment for psychosis.

Hiiiiiiii maybe we don’t let people who hate TV be in charge of TV? Just a pitch.

This is so fucking stupid and Chris Estrada - Irvine Improv April 12-14 it was my literal dream to write on this show. Thank you for two perfect seasons.

Man oh man I don't know how we stay positive in this creatively bereft climate.

I’m gonna win a grammy in adult contemporary because I’m a performative sneezer