I would be 1000% more likely to watch BvS if they changed Superman's theme song to Big Gay Al's "I'm Super!" from the South Park movie.

The problem with having a cool hacker name is you find out your real name and you're like, Fuck. What am I gonna do about my Twitter handle?

It was a really awkward "team building" exercise this week. x.com/WelcomeToLevel…

Gonna go make my OWN Marvel movie, with sex, swearing, and WOMEN SUPERHEROES.

Melinda May, Simmons, Mockingbird, Black Widow, superpowered Pepper Potts, Jane-Thor, Darcy and I are gonna go form our own dream team

Ward once tricked me into opening Coulson's underwear drawer. It was full of Captain America briefs. I think of that every day at work now

I'm stealing Batman's theme song. DARKNESS NO PARENTS MORE DARKNESS

"WHY ARE YOU ANGRY ABOUT THAT THING WHEN YOU SHOULD BE ANGRY ABOUT THIS THING I AM ANGRY ABOUT?!?"-- The Internet, every single day.

GUYS. I have an idea for a TOTALLY ORIGINAL fanfic! It's the Avengers, but in a COFFEE SHOP. And, like, they're all in love with each other.

Ants are creepy. Spiders are scary. Spiderman and Antman are clearly supervillains waiting for their chance. My logic is flawless.

Petition for Captain America to run for president and save us from the GOP primary

I don't have much in life, but at least critics like me more than they like the Fantastic Four.

Opens Twitter. Sees stupid "While you were away" thing for millionth time. Throws phone away, is happier.

Dear Marvel Entertainment, Hasbro, please make a toy of me. I want to play with myself. Wait, that got weird.

Fant4stic: Making the first season of Agents of SHIELD look well-paced since 2015.

Things I do not like: 1.) Orphanages 2.) Mothers 3.) Grant Ward 4.)...all that other stuff. Like, Hydra, I guess. Sure.

This is why Natasha is the best. x.com/official__cap/…

Coulson legit just fangirl squealed at news of this "Your Bucky" thing.

Twitter: did you like the while you were away feature? Me: no. Twitter: cool we're gonna keep doing it forever, ty and go fuck yourself

Oh yeah. My hair. You love it.