In the right situation, calling someone "Mr. Grumpy" is more powerful than any slur.

Lots of gasps during my testimony. Am I cooked?

Tchaikovsky's rivals having to begrudgingly admit that his new song really does sound like a sugar plum fairy dancing.

Just saw one of those metal dinosaurs that eats houses

Lying a lot about Erin Brockovich lately. Saying that she told me I was really tough, and that she said I might even be tougher than her. This is very hard for people to disprove, so they are inclined to accept it and move on.

Telling people we met online because it’s embarrassing to admit that I scratched a series of ancient symbols into the sand and then poured some of my blood into the grooves, which summoned it from The Place Beyond.

NEW North American Friends Movie Club w/ THE HATEFUL EIGHT -sharks and dolphins -pee bucket -romantics -jamiroquai floor -haberdashery -domergue -quiz, medals and ratings -don’t forget to follow and subscribe open.spotify.com/episode/3TMJMg… podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/the…

Advertising is mostly bullshit but every now and then I do buy a cheese that brings my family together.

Waving at a bear because I feel like we’re spiritual equals but the bear knows the truth and prepares to return me to the wheel wiser.

NEW North American Friends Movie Club w/KILL BILL -bday wishes to shag and Nate -hail state -hittem with the mao -I didn’t bust the pipes -I just didn’t go -grippin and slippin -Kate wet blanket -gogo -quiz, medals and ratings open.spotify.com/episode/6cEEsb… podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/the…

Dear Mr. Lumet: Attached are my notes on the latest draft of the script. You’ll notice I’ve changed the title to “11 Angry Men” and introduced a new character named “Surfer Mike”. We cannot show him physically smoking marijuana, but there are ways this can be implied.

This is one of the best drugs I’ve tried and I tried most of the crazy ones.

I forgot they expand. God help me, I forgot the noodles expand.

Keeping my Air Miles situation secret so I don’t have to question the authenticity of love when it finds me.

I'm a farmer and a chef

NEW North American Friends Movie Club w/ INGLORIOUS BASTERDS -hot honey hair -Missouri sober -hobo lifestyle -lil trousers -wait for the cream -au revoir shoshana -quiz, medals and ratings open.spotify.com/episode/05EZbj… podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/the…

The algorithm has detected my interest in photos and videos of Mariska Hargitay and Christopher Meloni. I have made no likes, created no bookmarks, but it knows the eye lingers.

yorkshire doing astral projection

People are always commenting on my big coffees. They say things like "whoa, that's a big coffee!" First of all: mind your own business. Second: you have no conception of true power or what it takes to ride the edge of innovation towards horizons of the future.

Me: sometimes I stay up all night and I don't go to bed. It's called "bonus time". My loved ones: no it's not.