👏🏻What👏🏻the👏🏻fuck?!👏🏻

7-year-old: I'm soooooo hungry. Me: Great. I'm making dinner right now. 7: I'm only hungry for chocolate.

Just anilhilated a box of mac and cheese. They were cauliflower noodles?

5-year-old: Can you get me a snack? Me: I'm not feeling well. 5: That doesn't make me not hungry.

Hey #Facebook I don’t need your fear mongering about this. How about advertising flu vaccines or something actually useful to my area?

"I worked very hard for it" is the worst possible justification for being a billionaire. You know who works very hard? Single mothers working two minimum wage jobs with just-in-time scheduling and a bus commute.

My man is home and sick and therefore I will provide food and comfort to him so he can return to full strength. I’m making pancakes for dinner.

Do I really want to take Applied Counterpoint this summer? It’s been like six years since my last counterpoint class...

Just had an idea for a dissertation that narrows down my original idea into something workable!!

Husband: A man who is completely and 100% capable of doing his own dang laundry. “Where are all my clothes?! I have no clothes! Why are the clothes gone??” I have ruined him.

Friends: You should put some blush on! Me:

Recital.

I have never had a night recital before. What do you do all day?

“Lavender scent can be calming.”

Wanna try this bath bomb? Ew no. Not particularly. It’s called “zen”.

“It’s 100% better! ... but not 100% great...”

[loud crashing sounds] Me: What are you doing?! 5-year-old: Practicing. Me: Practicing what? 5: Making noise.

Oops took a three hour nap...