Ozempic? Try Marlboro. Prozac? Try Miller Lite. Adderall? Try White Monster. There is always a natural alternative to everything.

This and never seeing pajama pants in public again.

Food trucks used to sell you 3 of the best tacos you've had in your life for $5 cash only and then people with Masters degrees started buying them and now it's 3 of the worst tacos you've had in your life for $18.50 plus a recommended 20% tip

don’t forget to sleep with your neck at a weird angle tonight

Do not invite me over to your house if you only use the big light. Everyone knows that the big light is a vibe killer, give me side light ambience or I'm not coming.

theres no bigger test of patience than typing your fucking email address in on a tv with the remote

if ur able to go to your grandparents house and smell that signature scent their house has always had your whole life, take some candies out the candy dish and hear their clock ticking when its completely silent. you are living luxury. absorb all of that while u can

On the highway around Lubbock

Google Maps > Apple Maps It’s not even close.

My keys guy from Michigan was ragging on us during the entire trip yesterday through the storm while driving us like a fucking madman in a huge van and trailer down some mountains in the shittiest conditions I’ve ever seen as a south Texas dude.

I’m sorry to ruin your day but the entire concept of a “time machine” is retarded. Location is never discussed. The sun is moving through space WHILE planets orbit. Go back 10yrs from current spot? You floating in space somewhere, insta-dead. Need time AND space machine. Sorry

Medieval peasants would have loved little fleece vests embossed with their lord's coat of arms.

Society failed the moment we decided to remove the 3.5mm headphone jack off our devices.

my personal career goal is to be so good at my job they let me smoke cigarettes in the office

No lies detected.

Imagine your bike has been at the Wright Brother’s repair shop for weeks and you see Orville suddenly whiz over your head in a contraption

Alcohol from a bar tastes so good when there isn't a mf wearing a Patagonia vest whispering in your ear about how it's gonna ruin your sleep score

10 year old me would stare at shit like this for literal hours