Holding out hope that Trump's revenge tour will include telling us that aliens exist.

One day my grandchildren will ask me what I did for a living. I'll show them an 8 second clip of me on Criminal Minds and tell them I chased that my entire life. #Acting

I wish I had known there were places open past 10pm. I've just been going to bed.

"There is such a degradation in our politics that people don't even feel the need to lie coherently." - @SamHarrisOrg

Today has to be the poopiest day of the year.

Classic dad quote: “I know you and your sister don’t like my plan. The problem is, it’s a good plan.”

My dad just sent me an email which began "I am still your father" then proceeded to tell me about the dangers of chopping down a tree. #FatherlyLove

Matt Gaetz has a STAGGERING amount of product in his hair, and it's the only thing more ridiculous than his attempt to blame today's terrorist attack on Antifa.

Guess it's time to finally start working today...at 1:30...

Favorite mom quote: “I’m going to say one word - put yourself out there.”

My mom talking about Kevin Hart’s "True Story." Mom: Is Kevin Hart in jail? Did he kill someone? Me: No. That's made up. Mom: Oh, I dont want to watch it then.

Anyone else think unfiltered tap water is disgusting and would never drink it in a million years, while at the same time using it to make ice?

Me to my mom: "I'm thinking of getting a standing desk." Mom: "Oh, nice. You'll probably need to get a standing chair, too." Me: "I think that would defeat the purpose of the standing part."

My mom is coming to visit today: Me: Hey mom, fyi it’s raining here. Mom: You’ll provide all the son I need!

“A actually really liked “Wednesday” on Netflix. I watched season one and two.” -Mom

Me: I’ve been watching The Sopranos again. Mom: Oh, I hear that’s supposed to be pretty funny. Me:

I’m glad WGA is on strike, because now when I continue to never write a script, instead of feeling like a lazy piece of a shit, I can feel like I’m supporting the Guild.

It’s like, why is my house dirty again? I just cleaned it last month.

Not sure which is more disturbing: that the government is hiding aliens, or that my friends are competing for whose cold plunge tub reaches the coldest temperature.

Bits over text is my love language