From skies over Missouri to above the Pacific Ocean, commercial airline pilots have recently captured videos that depict unidentified aerial phenomena across the U.S. Gadi Schwartz reports on the possible otherworldly sightings.

Add “People do NOT poop standing up!” to the list of things I’ve had to say to my son.

I….. think you meant to tag Danielle Brooks 🤣🤣🤣

My daughter just showed me her Christmas list that she turned into a power point presentation.

I just ordered three adult onesies if you want to know how updating my wardrobe is going.

Hey Portland People! I’m organizing a protest outside the Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall on 1/20! Please spread the word!

Me: Buddy, we need to cut your hair. You’re starting to look like an overgrown mushroom top. 7YO: Oh yeah? What do you call that? (Points to my messy bun) I don’t think that’s winning any prizes.

A woman who doesn’t believe an airplane hit the pentagon on 9/11 is going to be on the homeland security panel and a man accused of a Ponzi scheme is on the Small Business committee. Cool. #America

Me: Ew, don’t pick your nose, here’s a tissue. 7YO: Tissues are for amateurs. Cool.

10YO: Mom! I did a presentation today and at the end I told a joke and everyone laughed! 7YO: Oh, who cares, I make my class laugh everyday! It’s so nice when my kids support one another.

Me: I’m waiting for you to stop rolling your eyes and acknowledge you can hear me? 10YO: We’ll, you’re gonna be waiting a long time. Touché, you little biatch, touché.

Nothing makes me want to blow my brains out more than common core math.

My doctor: You have a very thin cervix. Me: Oh my goodness, thank you! My doctor: It’s actually dangerous if you decide to have more kids. Me: You say it’s dangerous and all I hear is “possible free abortion”.

*Both kids running downstairs* 7YO: Did somebody say slayyyyy? 10YO: I did! 7YO: Yas Queen, slay all dayyyyyah! I am 💀 ⚰️ because my work here is done.

Me: We’re having leftovers for dinner. 7YO: No, we are not! I’m making mac & cheese!! 10YO: Yeah, right. 7YO: I can make it by myself! 10YO: Surrrrre you can, buddy. And later, I’m gonna launch a rocket ship.

Me: Get your hand out of your pants and go wash them right now. You’re not allowed to hold the remote if your hands have been down your pants. That’s gross dude. 7YO: Why? The remote was in my other hand?