I love my pet wussy. Retweet if you read that wrong.

Girls, if a guy pauses a video game to text you back... marry him.

Girls are magic. They can get wet without water, bleed without injury, and make boneless things hard!

I got arrested for punching this guy at a new years party... When you hear an arab counting down from ten your instincts tend to kick in.

That mini heart attack you get when someone says "We need to talk"

Dear McDonald's, Thank you for not selling hot dogs. I don't think I could order a McWiener with a straight face.

What does a Tennessee football fan do after they beat Alabama? Turn off the xbox and go to bed.

That's about as suspicious as a nun doing squats in a cucumber field.

Saving a file as "asfaghasjasd" because you're too lazy to write a proper title.

Check out these 20 pics. They are very trippy and will trick your eyes. #2 and #5 are amazing!!! bit.ly/P3L5zW - sp

"Dude, I wasn't that drunk" "You threw my hamster and saying "GO PIKACHU!"

Pardon me, Sir Gangster? Your trousers are descending.

A ghost could be humping you right now and you would never know...

You gotta hand it to the midgets... Because sometimes they can't reach it.

Rearrange these words: 1) PNEIS 2) HTIELR 3) NGGERI 4) BUTTSXE... Did you read: Spine, lither, ginger and subtext? Naughty Naughty.

Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34C

DEAR WALKWAY, Please get wider... SINCERELY, 3rd friend walking behind feeling excluded.

Only true friends go straight to your refrigerator when they go to your house.

1 tequila, 2 tequilas, 3 tequiklas, 4 teuiqlas, 5 teuiqlsd, 6 teiqulkss, 7 eteiqlas, 8 treqiklas, 9 trwqiukas 10 trewquwtss.

Everyone Retweet my last tweet!!! MAKE IT HAPPEN