The haters don’t wanna see me rank every Cocomelon song from best to worst and provide rationale for my decisions

The Murdaugh saga is the book Pat Conroy never wrote.

I just read "ungrateful POS" as "ungrateful point of sale"

Client asks for a simple one-sheeter* *Built as one continuous-scroll PDF that ends up being the equivalent of six pages

The worst part about all these transfers and one-and-dones in college bball is that I don’t get enough time to develop a deeply rooted hatred for Duke players.

UNC didn’t make the tourney. Duke is looking scary. Rodgers is heading to the Jets. Arsenal lose two key players in a shootout loss. Your boy is down bad.

Alright who literally wrote a kids song called “Hey Diddle Diddle”

"Hurry, tickets won't last long!" Then why are you buying ads for an event that will surely sell out, my guy? 🤔

There's nothing more humbling than moving a former favorite headline into the "Things not to do" section of brand guidelines.

The end of every alcohol ad is like “Please remember to enjoy our toxic poison responsibly.”

I hear the eunuch club is accepting non-members

There’s zero chance other countries run TV ads for joining the military.

Real renaissance men let the Trailer Park Boys intro play all the way through

Almond butter is like…what if we took peanut butter and made it awful?

Why do we only put citrus in water? Like what if I want savory water with half an onion in there?

These Fabletics ads kill me. Spokesperson Kevin Hart ($$$) tells you you're paying too much for gym shorts, so you need to pay money to join his special clothing club, so you can save money on them. Seems like a lot. I think $20 at TJ Maxx will do just fine.

Recruiters are always like, "Sorry to hear you aren't interested in this job. If you know someone who is, I'd be grateful if you sent them my way and did my entire job for me, thanks!"

Best movie villain? Owen Wilson in Meet the Parents.

Artwork is either named something like “Boy With Hat” or “The Clockmaker’s Gaze Into The Daunting Permanence of Time”

Forever walking my precious little girl in a stroller and waving to sweet old ladies while listening to something absolutely insane on my AirPods.