2020 so far: January February March March March March Hot March Hot March 2

Excited to welcome another one of Colleen's deadbeat nieces to the staff. Congrats Ambur, well deserved!

if I could give any advice to my 8 year old self? stop talking abt how much u like owls all the time. Ur about to get worthless owl things for every holiday until ur 20. Start talking about how much u like cold hard cash.

There’s so much to love about cosmetics and makeup artistry, but what I appreciate most of all is that it allows me, as a recently divorced father, to spend more time with my children as their cross-dressing nanny

Thank god it's Kamala! I was worried Biden was going to pick someone else who would have made me absolutely still vote for him no matter what.

Bitches be posting “nobody cares about your Spotify wrapped” and then post a pic of their baby ???

what does NASA stand for. not another spaceship aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

My parents bought an AR 15 to defend their rural missouri home from antifa but little do they know antifa has ALREADY INVADED THEIR HOME and is in their fridge eating all their shredded mozzarella at 2 am

Me at my first outing post vaccine

Once, after a lull in dinner conversation, my mom asked “Well! What is everyone’s most wonderful bagel memory?”

you've heard of elf on the shelf but haven't you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door

composer of carol of the bells: i’ve written a haunting melody for the sopranos altos: what about us? composer: [spitting on them] pretend you’re a bell, you fucking clowns

I don’t shower anymore to ‘get clean.’ I shower now to trick myself into thinking ‘today will be different.’

maybe the real stimulus check was the friendship we made along the way

last night i accidentally got so high i forgot what pringles are called

My sister made me french fries and now I’m eating them in bed. This is the real love Mary J Blige was searching for

phoebe bridgers should cover the O’Reilly Auto Parts song

not to be a bitch but I’m very into drinking water and laying down.

I just watched no less than 3 men help a tiny lady put her suitcase in the overhead bin. When it was my turn all three men sat and stared at me and then I remembered fat women are dirt ghosts