And we've just heard that a juggernaut of onions has shed its load all over the M-1. Motorists are advised to find a hard shoulder to cry on

News just in, a ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint. It is believed that both crews have been marooned.

Ronnie C: I shall be having a word with a man who goes in for meditation, because he thinks it's better than sitting around doing nothing.

Police say they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly knickers, but the Chief Constable said they must wear normal uniforms.

At Heathrow, customs officer Mumbly retired today. He shook hands with passengers passing out and confiscated a gold watch for himself.

It was revealed in a government survey published today that the Prime Minister is doing the work of two men. Laurel and Hardy.

There was a fire at the main Inland Revenue office in London today, but it was put out before any serious good was done.

Eight reasons we love Ronnie Corbett: bbc.in/1RG4vbm

Remembering Ronnie Corbett in pictures from the BBC Picture Library: bbc.in/1RVMXuc

The Two Ronnies - Mastermind youtube.com/watch?v=y0C59p… via Youtube

We’ve just heard that a juggernaut of onions has shed its load all over the M1. Motorists are advised to find a hard shoulder to cry on.

My great grandfather was killed at Custer’s Last Stand—he wasn't fighting, he was camping nearby and went over to complain about the noise.

"I hope you like my trousers. If I wear too much tartan I tend to look like a Thermos flask." - Ronnie Corbett

Heard the one about the car designer who crossed a ­Toyota with Quasimodo? He came up with The Hatchback of Notre Dame!

"All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my right hand." - Ronnie Corbett

French wine growers fear that this year's vintage may be entirely spoiled due to the grape treaders' sit-in.

"I remember that day clearly, because it was the one day there wasn't a sale at Allied Carpets." - Ronnie Corbett

This week I was asked to do a very important after-dinner speech. I said: "Do you want me to be funny?" They said: "No, just be yourself."

This new BBC controller thinks I am the funniest man in Britain. He's been told to stay in bed and take things easy for a while. - RC