Not to brag, but my ankle can find the corner of any piece of furniture.

Ref: Call it in the air.. *flips coin* Me: A QUARTER.

Stages of Sunday: Morning: This is nice Afternoon: The weekend is going by too fast Evening: I wish I was dead

I can't really put into words how I feel about you, but come into bed and I'll show you.

I'm tempted to try a Girl Sandwich.

Life tip: It's not drinking alone if your dog is home.

Are you almost here? [on the other side of the planet] Yeah I'm like 10 mins away

A typical weekend for you?

[job interview] THEM: what are your skills? ME: i'm really good at depression.

[first date] ME: tell me why you're single. HER: my last boyfriend never paid attention to me. ME: *laughing at memes on phone* what?

I'm gonna dress up as your avi for Halloween.

Halloween parties are actually scarier than normal parties. If you leave your friends for even a moment, you will not find them again.

Which way is the right way?

*Grows beard Ugh, my eyes are up HERE.