Them: What are you doing for Father's Day? Me: I'm gonna sit around and make dad noises all day Them: Really? Me: mhm

Pinched my nipple in the refrigerator door if you're wondering how the diet is going

*plane falling from the sky* Pilot: THE HEADSETS HAVE GONE OUT! Me As Co-Pilot: WHAT!? I CAN'T HEAR YOU THE HEADSET IS OUT! Pilot: I JUST SAID THAT!! Me: HAHAHA GOTCH- *plane crashes*

Just used an air fryer for the first time so I'm basically George Jetson now

Wife: You turned your flashlight on Me: *turns phone around and looks directly at it

*feels great after eating soup* *chuckles* Soupernatural

My wife told me that Nelly was getting a new TV show and I was immediately disappointed it's not a game show called "Is it hot in here?" where contestants have to guess if a room is hot

Paul Wall: *flicking that mysterious light switch on and off* What it do?

I get imposter syndrome when I wear tank tops. who the fuck do I think I am

Do you remember when the best things in life were free? Inflation sucks

Shit has been real dark since I threw out my favorite Paw Patrol cup

Maybe it's just me but I'd think the best place for Space Command would be... space

I think the premise for Cash Cab could work in other environments like Cash Groceries, Cash Gas or Cash Emergency Medicine

Sinclair only reaches 10% of the audience Disney Plus and Hulu have combined. Jimmy's YouTube channel has 20 mil subscribers and Sinclair is only in 18 mil homes that don't stream. Broadcast TV is dead and so is any influence its owner has

I'm growing grass for my cat in a coffee mug and it sits on a table in my living room. My mom came over the other day and didn't say a word about it and I'm struggling with that

14% of active military personnel are on food stamps. 200,000 National Guard members rely on food stamps and over a million veterans use food stamps as well...

Daboll is the latest millionaire to leave New York since Mamdani got elected. They tried to warn us

(90s) Them: Where's your son? Mom: *calmly* no idea (2025) Mom: *crashing out* WHERE'S THAT APP I JUST INSTALLED!!??

(Who Wants To Be A Millionaire) Bo Jackson: I'd like to phone a friend Host: Ok and who are we calling Bo Jackson: Shaggy, please

Everyone said things like "your back will hurt and your knees will give out when you get old" but no one tells you the face is the first thing to go