I'm gonna be the ghost of Matthew Perry this Halloween.

When's Kendall Jenner heading over to give Isreal and Palestine a Pepsi?

Being an adult means people stop caring what your favorite dinosaur is.

I thought I'd have left at least one man at the altar by this point

Two truths and a lie? Oh. You mean a regular conversation

i can only climax to Rorschach inkblots

*the very first rodeo*

What the fuck do we do?

I have a college degree but sometimes I forget how to use stairs

Pumpkin King!! 🎃

A moth is just a butterfly that's tired of your shit

Drink water, just enough to keep your gills moist

No matter what I do, I know that I will never be as interesting as an owl.

It's not the algorithm, it's who you follow. Good talk.

Why are you a Holocaust denier when WWI has significantly less documented footage?

Therapist: there’s nothing wrong with you you’re just a bad person

Can't. Typing a password into a tv.

Mind your penises and queefs.

Don't stress too much about life, you're not getting out of it alive anyway.

That ass is unreal!

Cuz ain't no way donkeys can rizz up fire-breathing dragons. I mean c'mon man.

Physical books just hit different

when they're used for ass smacking.