Or: how to blink without people thinking you've blinked. #Linekergate

I think he’s dead

This might (is) the rum talking, but the more I think about it, the more proud I am of those @arsenal boys tonight. Us fans can distract ourselves with other stuff, but those kids live it every day, and they tried shitting hard, and they didn't give up. #COYG

Didn't realise the Government emergency alert at 3pm was going to be about the Spurs score.

. Mary Lennighan didn't get the alert. I guess they've booked her on that second rocket. 🤣

They even have a pocket to collect all the tears you shed when you inevitably go to bed alone.

Just had an enlightening chat with my 6-year-old about how he will support himself financially when he's older. His plan: eat a magic bean that makes him live forever and poop money. I'm never retiring, am I?

My son's school is open as normal this week despite the strike. Reason being, the teachers know that if they walk out, some of the children will miss out on their one square meal that day. That tells me all I need to know about your party and this government.

Got me one of them new-fangled thread thingies. I have no idea how it works, I guess I might see you over there if I figure out how to use it. threads.net/@telecolumnist

"If you've just joined us on LBC, my guests David Cameron and George Osborne are discussing what's worse: humping a dead pig in the mouth, or 49-year-olds hitting on teenagers."